· From a certain point of view our real enemy, the true troublemaker, is inside. ~ His Holiness the Dalai Lama Humans often see Otherness or difference as dangerous and threatening. This happens in a macro and micro way- countries see other countries with different economic or social structures as a threat, political parties see others as the enemy and religions often have no tolerance for other religious beliefs or philosophies.
It also happens in our day to day life: if someone disagrees with us they become wrong, bad, the enemy. Political differences often bring up strong feelings of Otherness and therefore danger. In our personal relationships, a Beloved may be transformed into the Enemy in the blink of an eye. The true enemy or troublemaker lives within each of us. We project onto others the parts of ourselves we find intolerable: bigotry, anger, lack of tolerance, judgement, hate, hurtfulness, criticism, betrayal, an inherent sense of worthlessness or lack of value, the list could go on and on. The "safest" way, from the perspective of an unexamined defense system in the psyche to get rid of these uncomfortable feelings in ourselves, is to see these qualities in others and reject or criticize them, or even try to kill them off. The more vicious our rejection or judgment of others is, the more likely it is an inherent and disowned part of ourselves. The path to Wholeness, and to more peace internally and externally, is to examine and own these disavowed "shadow" aspects of ourselves, to be curious about them and take responsibility for them. As we begin to get to know our inner Troublemaker, it will begin to make way less trouble!
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Just trust yourself Then you will know how to live. - Goethe Everything you need to know about living your life is within you. It may be covered over with dust or layers of old experiences, messages and beliefs, but there is a place within you that knows what you need, that knows the life you want to live and even knows how to attain it.
Our culture teaches us to look to others, to look outside ourselves to figure things out. Generally, we don't spend much time looking within to find our heart's desire, our passion, our wisdom. We read self-help books that promise us 5 easy steps to.... ( fill in the blank). A good teacher, mentor or psychotherapist will not give you answers but will help you clear the path to the self-knowledge and answers that lie within. We are each unique beings with distinct gifts, desires and passions. No one other than you can possibly know what your life is meant to be. Time spent in contemplation, in conversation with others on the same path, in meditation, listening to both your night and day dreams will reveal your life to you. Trust that all you need is within, that you were born "preloaded" with all the hardware and software necessary to live your life fully! What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us - Ralph Waldo Emerson We tend to focus on the past or the future. We may think about our mistakes or remember good times; we may think back with anger, regret, blame or nostalgia. And we may look ahead with anticipation, hope, fear, worry or planning. So often we really are not living in the moment as our thoughts are occupied with things that have already happened or that haven't yet happened.
And although our past certainly informs who we are and we need to spend some time at least, planning for the future, generally there is an imbalance of most of our energy going either backward or forward (or outward) and not within. For it is within us where we truly reside. This is where we find ourselves, where we learn again and again to come back to ourselves, to seek ourselves. All the answers to our questions, to who we are or what is ours to do, live within us. It's a matter of learning the language of the inner world. A language that is not primarily rational or logical. It is a language that is richly metaphorical and symbolic, that may appear in images or movement or sounds. Often it feels like learning a foreign language- like learning a romance language like Spanish, French or Italian or possibly a language with an entirely different alphabet like Chinese or Russian. It takes the same patience and dedication to learn this inner language, as it is often laden with emotion and forgotten memories of our lives and of who we truly are. And it is equally rewarding, for as we learn this language we will more easily navigate our inner world; we will more confidently travel to the deepest part of our being, bringing back into our daily life the treasure we find within. No matter where we dig or climb we come upon the fire we left untended. Mark Nepo This quote from poet Mark Nepo reminds me of the axiom "wherever you go, there you are." In other words, there is no escaping ourselves as hard as we may try to stay busy, numb ourselves in various ways, distract ourselves or live in a state of denial about what lives in our heart, about what needs tending.
We can try to run from our heart or inner self's knowledge or beckoning, but we always come back to it one way or another. What fire have you left untended? What part of you needs tending? What secret desire, what smoldering passion, what unacknowledged or unfulfilled dream needs attention? Or what sorrow needs attention and release? What untended grief or sadness wants your attention right now? |
AuthorPeggy Handler, MFT, is a psychotherapist in San Francisco's Noe Valley Archives
December 2020
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