Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone. ~ Paul Tillich Being alone can evoke many different feelings and experiences, often depending on the context. Are you spending time alone voluntarily or would you rather be with people, but for whatever reason there is no one there? Are you an introvert or extrovert? Introverts need a lot of time alone to recharge, as too much people time may be draining. Extroverts are nourished and enlivened by being with people, and may have more difficulty spending time alone.
If you are a parent or work in a busy work environment, time alone may be precious. If you live alone, work from home or have little human contact, you may yearn for being around people. There is also the issue of how comfortable you are being with yourself. Are you happy spending time alone? Do you have activities and hobbies that you enjoy and can you simply be content doing nothing at times? Or do you get antsy and feel the need to distract yourself? Are you comfortable in your own company or do you feel disconnected and like something is missing? As the quote above states, aloneness experienced as loneliness is a very painful state of feeling isolated and separate. And yet that same state of being alone can feel glorious and luxurious in other circumstances. You may want to observe when you experience being alone as painful or difficult and when you experience it as welcome solitude. What does the experience tell you about your needs in that moment? And how can you give yourself what you need, soothe yourself or reach out to others if necessary? Do you have ways that help you in this process like meditation, journaling, walking in nature, talking about it with a trusted friend or therapist? It is rich territory in which to explore and get to know yourself more deeply.
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Nothing ever goes away Until it teaches us what we need to know. - Pema Chodron As we move into the New Year, you may make resolutions or set intentions about the changes you would like to see in your life. The word "new" and a year that is just beginning often feel like a blank slate, fostering hope that you will be able to shift things in your life. The idea of a fresh start is always a time of hope and optimism.
You may begin eating more healthy food, commit to a regular meditation practice, start going to the gym or try to be more positive; but then the old ways may start to creep back in: negative self-talk, eating more than you'd like to, sleeping in or making excuses rather than meditating or exercising. Not sticking to your resolutions may make you feel bad and spiral you into more of the old behaviors and feelings you wanted to let go of in the first place. This is probably a familiar experience to just about everyone! However, I propose a different take on not being able to stick to resolutions, expressed so eloquently in Pema Chodron's quote above. Instead of trying to simply eliminate things you don't like in your life and/or behavior, what about being curious about them as a first step? If you are not able to do things differently yet, there is more to learn from the things you wish to change. .Those behaviors and feelings developed at some point for a reason. Are you willing to explore what those reasons might be? If you overeat, or eat foods you'd rather not be eating, what might you really be desiring? What does food stand in for? Love, connection, sweetness, or is it trying to fill an empty place inside that can never be filled by food. Or if you are self-critical, how might this have developed? Whose voice have you internalized as your own? How might your criticizing yourself at one time have been a protection from something or someone? All of these unwanted, unloved behaviors or feelings cannot simply be willed away. Rather they are like code or clues that guide us into our inner world to see what must be unearthed, understood and healed. As Pema says, genuine change will happen when there is nothing more to learn from the behavior. When there IS a resolution you are able to follow through on, it is probably because you had already learned all that you needed to and were ready to let go. And this will happen at any time of the year, especially if you allow yourself to be curious, rather than critical of your behaviors and feelings. Happy New Year! · Non-doing has nothing to do with being indolent or passive. Quite the contrary. It takes great courage and energy to cultivate non-doing, Both in stillness and in activity. Nor is it easy to make a special time for non-doing And to keep at it in the face of everything in our lives Which needs to be done. - Jon Kabat-Zinn · One of the great quandaries of life is that there is always so much to do! Always a never-ending to-do list, at home and at work. And in this digital age we are always connected, always on the grid, always available. Social media adds a 24/7 never-ending to-do list. There is often a feeling of not wanting to miss out, or if you are not connected or active you are missing out.
Kabat-Zinn makes an important distinction in pointing out that non-doing is NOT being passive. On the contrary it takes great courage and energy to go against the grain, to feel like you are swimming upstream in the river of this "doing" oriented culture. It takes true commitment and determination to NOT do, to court stillness, to not reach for the phone, the computer, the TV or any other device. It takes courage to be still, to simply BE, to not do! Not-doing is often uncomfortable; you may feel restless, your mind may wander, thoughts and worries may flood your mind, you might sense uncomfortable feelings in your body. Not-doing is truly an art, a passion, a commitment to yourself, to getting to know yourself in a deeper, ultimately more satisfying way. Can you give experiment with non-doing for a few minutes before you begin your day, before you go to sleep, at moments throughout your busy day? As you do, notice how it impacts your mood, your state-of-being, your sense of yourself. Maybe you will be surprised by who you meet within when you are not doing. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone.... Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use. -Carlos Castaneda It can be difficult to make an important decision; often you may have no idea what to do, or how to decide, or you may feel torn between seemingly opposite choices. Or the consequences of taking a stand and making a decision may invoke fear: what if this is the "wrong" decision, you may ask; you may have a history of shame associated with making mistakes or wrong decisions, with not being perfect.
There may be a lot riding on this decision: a relationship, a pregnancy, a job, a course of study, or other major life transition. It can be extremely nerve-wracking to turn the options over and over in your mind, asking others for advice or feedback, feeling confused and paralyzed. Castaneda's criteria for making a decision is the best I have encountered, and certainly one I have seen and experienced as successful. It is important to explore each path, each possibility thoroughly and thoughtfully. To research options, to think it through, to meditate and contemplate, to discuss with trusted others. Often the choice comes down to what the mind thinks is right and what the heart or intuition knows is right. Our culture teaches us to value the mind more than the heart, so it can be difficult to truly listen to and trust the heart's desire. Ultimately the litmus test is: does this path have heart? Does it come from my heart? Am I wholehearted about it? I have never known this to fail. Give it a try! The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek - Joseph Campbell Most children, with their vivid imaginations, are scared of haunted houses, dark attics or basements and bogeymen in the closet. They are often afraid that if they enter these places, they won't return, or certainly won't return unscathed. Adults are really not that different!
Most people seek psychotherapy because something isn't working in their lives. As therapy begins,there is often a lot of fear of going within, of going into those root cellars and dark caves. There is often a hesitancy about exploring those unknown or barely remembered places within. Often therapy clients question, why go there? Why stir up the past, or at least what appears to be left behind? I have two answers to those questions: 1) Although the past may seem to be left behind, many of the ways each person sees and reacts to themselves, others and their environment is shaped by their past experiences. Rarely is anyone free of past influence on their current behavior, outlook on life. 2) That dark unexplored place within, may contain painful memories and experiences. Yet by bringing them to light and facing them, there is the opportunity for them to loosen their unconscious grip on you, for you to have more choice and freedom. You may also encounter positive feelings that were buried in the cave for safekeeping. By entering the cave, there is the opportunity to find that buried, long-lost treasure and bring it back out of the cave into your lived life! |
AuthorPeggy Handler, MFT, is a psychotherapist in San Francisco's Noe Valley Archives
December 2020
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