Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable. ~ Mary Oliver As 2018 begins, many people make resolutions or set intentions for the new year. There is often a desire and a hope for a fresh start or a clean slate, an end to bad habits or to frustration about things not going as desired.
Usually these resolutions or intentions are very specific- around losing weight, eating better, becoming more fit and working out more. They may be focused on finding a relationship or a new job, improved finances or feeling happier. Specific resolutions and intentions can be useful for staying focused on reaching defined goals. They can assist you in maintaining discipline and achieving your objectives.They can help you create a plan and take actions to master things that may have been difficult in the past. I would like to suggest, as Mary Oliver does, also keeping some space in your heart and mind that is free of specific goals, so that there is room for the unimaginable to happen; or as the Queen in Alice and Wonderland says, to believe 6 impossible things before breakfast! A space for new passions and interests to suddenly spring forth and catch you by surprise. A space that can take in wonder and beauty in the external world or between people and be deeply moved by it. In 2018, can you leave some room in your heart and mind for the unimaginable to show up in your life?
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We're being turned into a noun, when the aliveness is in being a verb. If you love singing, just sing. You don't have to become a singer. You follow the aliveness and the identity follows over time. ~ Mark Nepo Frequently people get discouraged from trying something new because they are afraid of not being able to do it well right from the start. It's often hard to be a beginner at something as there may be a steep learning curve. This (unrealistic) desire or need to do things well from the beginning and the fear of not being able to do so can stop you in your tracks. The fear of feeling incompetent and the accompanying embarrassment and shame may lead you to either not start something new or to abandon it very quickly, not really giving yourself a chance to enjoy learning whatever you were attracted to in the first place.
What if you could be grateful that a new idea, interest, impulse or passion bubbled up? Could you trust and follow this inner aliveness with anticipation and beginners mind? Might it be acceptable to learn to sing or dance, or play a new instrument without worrying about being a singer, dancer or musician? Can you follow your aliveness with openness and curiosity for the pure joy of doing something that has called to you? When you go deeply into the Present, Gratitude arises spontaneously, Even if it's just gratitude for breathing, Gratitude for the aliveness that you feel in your body. Gratitude is there when you acknowledge the aliveness of the Present Moment. -Eckhart Tolle It's easy to feel grateful when life is going well, or to feel gratitude for a specific circumstance or "win." In those moments, it's easy to celebrate life and to feel connected, happy and grateful.
Yet there are other moments that are darker, when there are worries or concerns, a health challenge or diagnosis, a betrayal, a break-up, or some other major loss in your life. You may suffer from depression or anxiety which can cast a dark cloud over your ability to engage in life or to appreciate being alive. In recent years, there has been an emphasis on "gratitude lists" and though it might sound trite or cheesy, finding even one thing you are grateful for can help you connect to yourself and to life in those dark moments. It is NOT a solution, nor should " looking for the positive" be used as a bypass of real human feelings that need to be felt and worked through before truly being released. But feeling grateful for even one thing, large or small- the sun shining, a flower blooming, a smile, the joy of a child exploring something, the breath you are taking, a song, ANYTHING, makes it easier to bear whatever you are going through. This gratitude can shine a light into the darkness, helping guide you through the muck. And if you are in a good space, gratitude will amplify your happiness, joy and appreciation of life. It can help bring you out of past and future thinking and into the delicious, unique aliveness of the present moment! I can have fear, but I need not be fear—if I am willing to stand someplace else in my inner landscape. ~ Parker Palmer When we feel afraid we usually say " I AM afraid..." By feeling it and expressing it in that way, we identify with the fear. It becomes our identity in that moment or possibly in general. Experiencing fear as an identity, as a part of who we are, makes it much more difficult to face and confront. If we can separate from it a bit by seeing it as a feeling we have or are experiencing in the moment, we can often get a different perspective on it. We have the opportunity of relating to it in a different way, as it doesn't have the same weight as when it seems to be who we are. We may be able to watch it, observe it, feel it, explore it, be curious about it, with a bit more spaciousness than when it feels like our identity. Sometimes it feels impossible to separate from it, to feel that it is not who we are, especially when the flight or fight response has been evoked by something inside or outside of ourselves. But we have the opportunity in each instance to practice taking a breath and recognizing that it is not who we are, but a feeling we are experiencing in that moment. This doesn't mean to avoid or push it away and not deal with it, but to not allow it to take over your sense of yourself. Call me if you would like help
dealing with your experience of fear. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body. ~ Paulo Coelho Our lives tend to be very action-oriented. We are busy and our days are guided by our personal and work calendars and to-do lists. Idle time is seen as not being productive or as a waste of time. Fear of missing out is so prevalent that it has its own acronym, FOMO.
This is true even on vacations, where it's hard to be still or relax; it often seems like the time needs to be "maximized" by doing and seeing as much as possible, and by constantly taking and posting pictures and descriptions of activities and sights. Most people don't remember their nighttime dreams, and even fewer allow themselves the luxury of dreaming while awake. Yet dreaming, imagining, fantasizing and contemplating are not a waste of time. They "nourish the soul" as the quote says, in very direct ways. Our non-directed mental and imaginal meanderings and musings carry the seeds of our desires and creativity. The very essence of who we each are inhabits these dreams which provide images and ideas of how to bring these dreams to life, as your life. This soulful nourishment inspires the direction our lives take. Are you ready to dream your life into being the life you are truly meant to have, and the person you are truly meant to be? |
AuthorPeggy Handler, MFT, is a psychotherapist in San Francisco's Noe Valley Archives
December 2020
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