Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow. ~ Alice Mackenzie Swaim As a culture, we often think of courageous acts or courageous people as ones that are larger than life: a good Samaritan who risks his or her life to help someone, a war hero, Doctors without Borders and other aid organizations that operate in war zones, or someone who engages in extreme sports. We may feel intimidated and small in comparison. How could we measure up to that towering oak that withstands storms easily and gracefully? How is it that some people seem to embody courage and appear fearless? Maybe the secret is in that there are many kinds of courage, many different acts of courage, many distinct ways to be and feel courageous. If you are feeling depressed, it may be a great act of courage to get up and face the day. If you live with an abusive partner, it is an act of courage to tell someone, stand up to them and/or leave. If you are anxious, it is courageous to not succumb to the anxiety but to develop some mindfulness and know that it is not all of who you are. If you have a substance or other addictive problem, it is a courageous first step to acknowledge this, talk about it and seek help or take those first baby steps to change. If you are unhappy in your job, it may take courage to acknowledge this to yourself and begin to take whatever steps you need to take to decide where your passion in life lies. If you think you are supposed to be a certain way, yet your true self is calling out to express itself, this is a great act of courage to begin to allow yourself to be who you truly are. Like the fragile blossom opening in the snow, every act of allowing yourself to be more truly yourself, of living your life as genuinely as you possibly can in each moment, are huge acts of courage. Courage, by the way, comes from the French word for heart: COEUR. Call me for a free phone consultation if you are ready to explore your courage
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Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all. -Emily Dickinson Hope seems to be something inherent and essential to being human. No matter how dire things may seem to be ( or may actually be) there is usually hope that things may or will or can get better. Even when it's hard to see how this might happen, " hope springs eternal."
Hope inspires us to dream, to work toward a goal, to imagine how things might improve and what we have to do to make this happen. Hope can be a great motivator, pushing us out of our comfort zones to bring about change, to make things happen. Hope can make us sacrifice things we think we need, to give up addictions, because we hope for a better life. The hope of a more peaceful and happy life can make us face our inner pain and demons. In the darkest moments, in times of fear or of unspeakable trauma, hope often exists as a steady though small flame deep inside, keeping us from total despair. Hope can guide the way to survival, to thriving, to taking risks when things are overwhelming or appear hopeless. Refugees who leave their countries, facing danger along the way, hoping for a better life come to mind. People who survive all kinds of abuse, who find ways to go on with their lives, are inspired by hope for something better. Hope is a good antidote for despair. When we are facing difficult circumstances, in the world or within our own lives, we need to remember Emily Dickinson's words that "hope perches in the soul... and never stops at all." I will not allow my life's light to be determined by the darkness around me. ~ Sojourner Truth There are many experiences of darkness, inside and outside each of us, that can obscure our sense of our light, our freedom, our true self. You may have had a difficult or traumatic childhood. Your life may have been impacted by poverty, illness, abuse, sexism, racism, homophobia. Or you simply may not have been seen or acknowledged as you wanted or needed to be. Your light, your true self may not have been seen or encouraged and you may have felt diminished, not good enough or unworthy. Your true self consequently may not have had an opportunity to truly develop and shine its light as your life. And there is the current political darkness in this country and in the world that can feel threatening and scary. This regressive political agenda threatens many hard-won freedoms and agencies that protect or try to protect people, animals, the environment, and is trying to intimidate, silence, ban and deport many of us. How do we courageously continue to develop and be more of our authentic selves when faced with the inner fears and anxieties from our personal or collective history, and the external darkness of this administration? How do we continue to shine our light and be true to ourselves? Many people are asking these questions now; Sojourner Truth's quote from the days of slavery is equally relevant today as we face the dilemma of being who we truly are in the face of darkness which threatens to eclipse our light. But just as any eclipse is only temporary and the moonlight and sunlight continue to shine, our internal light cannot be permanently eclipsed by internal or external darkness. We must continue to courageously be our light, facing the darkness and not allowing it to determine who we are and how we live our lives. Contact me
if you would like help in shining your light. Our primary relationship is really with ourselves. Our relationships with other people constantly reflect exactly where we are in the process. ~Shakti Gawain Making resolutions or intentions is often part of beginning a New Year- there is hope that we can get a fresh start on improving or attaining something that has so far been elusive. Why not include your relationship with yourself in this 2017 assessment of your life? Begin with a check-up of this most important and primary relationshp in your life. How do you feel about yourself? What is your self-talk like? How comfortable are you with yourself, both as who you are and where you are in your life right now? Are you a harsh and constant critic of yourself or a forgiving and compassionate friend? Do you use positve or negaitve reinforcement with yourself? If you were dating yourself, how would you rate the experience? I often suggest to clients that they take some time to date themselves- to treat themselves the way they would like to be treated by a significant other, to give themselves experiences they would want to share with another. It also might be a good time to look at the quality of your relationships with others- family, friends, partners, co-workers. You probably find yourself engaging with them in a similar way you engage with yourself. Are you critical of others? If so, you probably are critical of yourself. Are you patient and accepting? Then this is probably also a mirror of how you treat yourself. Do you expect perfection from yourself? Then you probably also expect a lot from others and are disapponted when they don't meet your expectations. You can begin from either vantage point- how you treat yourself or how you treat others. You will treat others similarly to how you treat yourself. Is 2017 a time to look in that mirror and decide to make some adjustments to how you see and relate to yourself ( and subsequently to others)? Call me for an initial consultation
if you would like to explore your relationship with yourself! Everything in our lives can wake ups up or put us to sleep, and basically it's up to us to let it wake us up. -Pema Chodron Every day, in each and every moment, we can choose to be aware and awake. Yet many people often go through each day and consequently through life, on auto-pilot, distracting themselves or living in their heads, not really noticing their surroundings, their feelings or other people. Life's challenges and uncertainties often cause people to figuratively go to sleep- fear or anxiety can cause dissociation, a splitting off or distraction from whatever may be troubling. This going to sleep can become habitual; you may not even notice that you have gone off into fantasy or are ruminating obsessively. Or you may go on a hike alone or with others, get a massage, work out at the gym, or drive and be lost in thought or conversation. Can you feel the massage or is the conversation ( with the massage therapist or within your own head) taking you away from the experience? As you think or talk while hiking, are you aware of your surroundings? As you drive are you lost in thought and suddenly find yourself at your destination without much memory of the drive? Can you feel your body, your muscles working at the gym or are you distracted by thoughts, reading or music? Are you awake or asleep to the moment? And there are the addictive ways of staying asleep for long periods of time: alcohol or drugs, work. sex or porn, TV, sleep, food- the list is endless. Almost anything can be used to put you into a trance-like sleep to not experience whatever is going on, inside you or in your surroundings. Sleepwalking through life has become rampant in our culture and I believe that the popularity of mindfulness at this time is a direct response to this phenomenon. Mindfulness and meditation are useful tools in waking up and learning to live in the moment whether it is joyful and happy or painful and sad. Staying awake is a choice that needs to be made again and again, moment after moment. The benefits however, are enormous- you will inhabit and live your life more fully! |
AuthorPeggy Handler, MFT, is a psychotherapist in San Francisco's Noe Valley Archives
December 2020
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